(Photo credit Jan D)
May we all be well today and have fun while doing it. Have a beautiful day!Hugs and laughter,
One of the first awarenesses I had was related to perfectionism. I realized that the anniversary (of the day I surrendered my food and accepted the gift of abstinence) had become a higher power. For years when I felt periods of vulnerability, I would at times feel fear around my food and immediately think, “I’m not abstinent.” I would then listen at meetings for others to say how they were not perfect with their food so I would not feel so alone and isolated in my imperfection and humanness. This was especially true of people I had placed on a pedestal; I wanted them to fall and fail, so I would not feel alone in my imperfection.During the week after I shared, I had several opportunities to practice humility around this whole issue. Each time, I took the opportunity. I shared honestly about where I was. I felt no shame or fear, simply peace. I was on the phone with someone one day and said that I was in the middle of a spiritual awakening related to abstinence and perfectionism. I can’t remember exactly how I phrased it but I had this sense that there was something that was occurring and I was simply experiencing it.
I continued to talk with my sponsor (who I call daily) about it. I had an awareness to read the OA book, Abstinence. I also had the awareness to talk to a member of OA who I will identify as my external conscious (ironically many years ago he and I both shared about abstinence, using the Abstinence book, during a workshop at the World Service Business Conference). The same day that I had the awareness to reach out to this OA member for help, I was driving home around 7 p.m. from a couple’s counseling session. I got a phone call from someone who I met through the OA Sunrise Meeting. I don’t know that I have ever talked to her at night. I didn’t really feel like answering the phone (after a 2 hour therapy session) but I was in the car and thought, “Why not?” When we spoke, she said to me “I’m calling to ask about abstinence and plan of eating.” I said if, “I believed in cosmic jokes, I would think that this is one!”
She told me what was going on with her and said, “I know that abstinence and plan of eating are not the same thing.” During our call, I shared with her my current experience and my awarenesses. That night I was in the shower (a place where I often have intuitive thoughts). Suddenly it occurred to me and I said to myself, “Is this what this whole thing is? Is this a plan of eating thing in terms of ‘if I inadvertently eat sugar this is my plan’?!?! Is this what this is?” and I sort of laughed about it. The next morning I was again at peace. I almost felt like I didn’t need to call the OA member/my external conscience, but I went ahead and contacted him anyway. I’ve known him since my first World Service Convention (Philadelphia) which was in 2007. He was one of the speakers at the anorexia and bulimia workshop I attended. When I first transitioned from weighing my food, he was one of the people who I called. I essentially said at that time, “I know that you will be able to do this. I want you to do this if you suspect that I am going over the edge, breaking my abstinence, I need you to call me on it. I need to make sure I have external accountability!” He agreed.
Over the course of the next few days, I practiced humility by sharing with others, including at one of my in-person meetings. One person called it a slip and my thinking at the time was I did not break my abstinence, because my abstinence has always included doing my best to refrain from sugar. Despite my restrictive practices over the years, from the beginning I did not have an impossible bar in this area. My higher power at the time I knew what I needed when I made my initial surrender.
Several days later, when I discussed with my sponsor whether to share with the organizers of a retreat I am scheduled to lead in September, she reminded me that frequently when I am approaching a speaking service opportunity, I start to question whether or not I am abstinent. I have done this at many pivotal points in my recovery and have received a measure of humility, vulnerability and release from the shame and perfectionism that enslaved me for years.
Back to this morning. As I did my step reading I was thinking that no one, not even my dear sponsor, defines my abstinence. It is a matter of my heart. My heart is leading me to acknowledge that August 10, 2019 is my first day of abstinence. Even as I say these words out loud (as I dictate my recovery reflection), I have a smile on my face and a lightness in my spirit. Many times I have feared what would happen if I “lost” my abstinence. What would people think and/or say about me?!?! Today, I am simply practicing the spiritual principles that I have come to love and depend on. I have been gratefully and humbly abstinent since and for today plan to do what worked for me so well yesterday! I will contact the organizers of the September retreat and let them make an informed decision about whether or not to have me lead it.
Over the past two weeks, I have reflected on the baffling nature of our disease. I may be writing a different story today if August 10th had not been my mother’s birthday. Yet because it was, I cannot honestly say that a part of me did not intentionally continue to eat something that did not align with my spiritual needs. Some of my favorite words come to mind: “Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth.” As I reflect on sending this out, I don’t feel fear; I feel free as I reflect on my favorite words from Our Invitation to You: “The more total our surrender, the more fully realized our freedom . . . .” Today I am free!
Thank you for giving me a safe space to practice honesty, courage and self-love. May we all have a beautiful day in recovery, healthy and abstinent!
August 13, 2019
It’s the beginning of August in this the frightfully early beginning of school for many people. People who work in the school system, parents helping their children get ready for school, and people who are taking classes and more I can’t think of right now. I work in a library in the teen section and this summer has been about helping teens find summer reading books among other things. The fascinating thing to watch was the students who came right away at the end of May to get their books as soon as the list was out. Some students had it on their phone. Some of the parents came with the list for them. Some came in July when many of the books had been picked over. Some came a week before school started. Some also came without their lists and wanted me to look up the lists. And the schools….I was in charge of collecting the lists. Some of the schools had the list easily attainable on their on their well organized website. Some of the websites I couldn’t get to at the library because of a certificate wasn’t updated. Some of the websites hadn’t been updated in a few years. I say all of this to say that it takes all kinds to make this weird, spectacular world go round and sometimes we have to exercise a little tolerance with friends, family, other oa’ers. I have three entries from Atiya’s blog to post and have a good school year whether you’re in school or not.
Anne B
Seconds later I read yesterday’s recovery topic on Boundaries. Yes, I was being a healthy adult by keeping my previously-made plans for the day (which are important to me). I also thought about today being my mother’s birthday and how helping my sister (and having time in the car with her) would be honoring my mother. I felt a little regret, which I believe is also healthy. As I wrote last month, emotional self support involves being part of community. So, I am affected (not controlled) by people in my community. In recovery, I have learned how balance works together with boundaries.In any given day; in any given relationship, my “yes’s” outweigh my “no’s”. By choosing to say “no” when needed, my “yes” has more value and meaning. And although today I said “no” to my sister, I was also saying “yes” to myself and the plans already in place.
Another factor which also helps me to stay in balance, is when I receive a “no.” If I always get what I want, I would lack appreciation and thwart my spiritual growth. Saying and hearing “no” is part of a healthy and balanced way to live. Having boundaries is good; honoring my boundaries is how I experience (that sometimes elusive) balance!
Thank you for showing up and showing me how it works! May we all be well and have a beautiful day!
Atiya M.
From Atiya
Several months ago, I wrote about my then financial state – finally admitting that I was back in debt. Since that time, I have once again paid off my credit cards and have started to build up an emergency/housing purchase fund. A friend and I have done some Seventh Tradition work together a few times over the years. Although I can almost always benefit from a financial inventory, today I am writing about being emotionally self-supporting. For me, self-supporting does not mean I am an island and do not need anyone. To the contrary, emotional self-support it is about connection and community not isolation. The same way I can’t afford to be alone with my diseased thinking, I choose not to be isolated in my romantic relationship. I love my partner very deeply and enjoy our dynamic relationship. Yet, anything could occur; from a break up, to illness, to death. Also, he and I both benefit when I am my best self, which I can only be when I am attending to my emotional and spiritual needs. In order for me to take care of myself emotionally, I need to continue to grow my community.
I am an active member of two 12 Step Fellowships. I attend meetings, have a sponsor and a sponsee in each. I make and receive recovery calls daily, and have several close friends who are in both fellowships with me. I also attend special recovery events including conventions, workshops and retreats. The same way that I have learned how to diversify my financial instruments, I need to diversify my relationships. One person is not responsible for satisfying all my emotional needs – not even if that one person is me. It takes a village for me to recover and stay emotionally healthy. I am grateful that each of you are part of my village today!
Thank you for allowing me to share. May we all continue to have a beautiful day in recovery!
Atiya M.
Still a recovering perfectionist, I committed to doing one brave thing each month. In June, I held a subcommittee meeting. We brainstormed ideas to share member’s stories once Lifeline, our meeting on the go, is permanently discontinued in December 2020. Yesterday, I walked up to individuals at my gym who were offering nutritional counseling. I shared with them about OA, my experience and gave them the copy of Lifeline that I had been reading while working out.One brave thing is a wonderful concept that can carry me beyond doing PIPO work. It reminds me of one of my favorite sayings, that I heard from an OA friend years ago: “ Do it afraid!” A lot of my recovery is about taking a risk, despite my fears; choosing a new behavior, regardless of my thinking. Doing one brave thing is another way to act myself into a new way of living. Thank you all for showing me how!
June 29, 2019
From Atiya’s Blog:
Have a beautiful day!
Atiya M.
June 14, 2019
Several of you have asked about my playlists. I use music for many things. However, the thing is, I’m not an aural learner. Music does influence me. I can hear an 80s song and remember what grade I was in when it came out. Go figure. I remember hearing Superfreak by Rick James when I was in 7th grade. I remember hearing many many Duran Duran songs in 9th grade. I remember hearing the Beastie Boys Licence to Ill cassette (yes cassette) when I was in 11th grade.
First of all, when I don’t want to move out of bed, I have a playlist called Move It and I ask Siri to play it and I’m moving! I have several Move it playlists. The highlights are:
- Uptown Funk-Mark Ronson
- Spy Hunter Theme – Saliva (Spy Hunter Theme is also know as Peter Gunn)
- Buggin’ Out -A Tribe Called Quest
- Water Fountain – Tune-Yards
- Genius of Love – Tom Tom Club
- Nutbush City Limits (90s version)- Tina Turna
- Black Water- Doobie Brothers
- In the Navy – Village People
- Dancing in the Street – Van Halen
- Red House – Jimi Hendrix
- Oye Como Va – Santana
- Three Little Birds – Bob Marley
- Voodoo Chile – Stevie Ray Vaughn
I listen to music when I get up in the morning and when I go to work unless I listen to a speaker. It really helps to start my day. I also have playlists on my phone for when I just want to chill out and I have many on Youtube that I’ll post links for down below. Happy abstinent Friday!
Anne B
May 21, 2019
Kathy B took a lot of notes and forwarded them to me and I wanted to put them here in their entirety because I found them very powerful:
– “No matter where I was; there I was” Atiya M
– Learned the concept of “bookending” (such as using the Serenity Prayer at the beginning and at the end of each workshop session). From online research, I’ve learned that bookending has a specific meaning within some of the 12-step recovery programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and the like. In this sense, bookending is a tool used to help members continue safely along the path of their recovery process, such that they minimize their chances of relapsing back into problematic or damaging behaviors related to addiction. One basic strategy of bookending as a 12-step recovery tool involves making contact with a fellow recoverer both before and after a possibly triggering event. It might mean, for instance, calling or texting someone before and after a potentially risky situation, to insure that no relapse is likely to occur. In 12-step work, bookending may be one way for a person to commit to being abstinent from alcohol, drugs, or too much food at a party for the night. I took some of this bookending info from an online article by Larry Maucieri Ph.D., ABPP-CN at “Psychology Today”: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-distracted-couple/201402/bookending-in-adhd.
– Atiya described her recovery as a result of abstinently (surrendering her food) working the steps. I didn’t write anything down about how she described abstinence outside of surrendering her food. I assume it’s the OA definition of abstinence “Abstinence is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve-Step program”. I loved when she described the day she became abstinent: “If I’d known that would have been my last binge, I would have had jelly beans or 1/2 a sheet cake”. I so relate to that thought process.
– “Hold on loosely. Let go gently”. Atiya M
This related to the importance of being open-minded in this process and letting go of ideas and concepts that no longer work for us.
– “Take what you like and save the rest (you may need it later)”. Atiya M
I love this affirmation. I learned it as “Take what you need and leave the rest”. However, I’ve come to learn over the past 9 years in recovery that I didn’t need or relate to some of the 12 step ideas years ago but I do so now.
– “It’s easier to stay abstinent than to get abstinent”. Atiya M
I had not heard this affirmation before this retreat but has been so true for me.
– “I don’t deserve to be harmed with food”. Atiya M
This really hit home with me. I’ve come to understand why I overeat (to comfort and soothe myself when I’m experiencing unpleasant feelings) but I am truly harming myself. As I heard at my first OA retreat in 2010 (speaker Grace Terry), I am slowly digging my grave with a fork. I am a product of childhood trauma and the words “comfort and soothe” appeal to me but in reality, I am harming myself. There is nothing appealing or positive about the word “harm”.
– “AAAA: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Ability”. Atiya M
I’d not heard this affirmation before but this is exactly how the process has been for me as I work the steps and incorporate them into my daily living.
– “Trust that what I did that day is enough. If I’m following my HP’s will; I can rest in that”. Atiya M
This statement so resonated with me as I’m always second-guessing whether I’ve done enough or the next right thing each day. If I’m being honest and suiting up, praying up and showing up for my recovery each day then I’m following HP’s will for me and I don’t need to keep second-guessing myself. I have to be willing to accept “what is” (not what was or what will be).
– “Stop, Drop and Roll: Stop (be in the moment), Drop (down and pray) and Roll (with it)”. Jamie
I just love this idea of helping me to be in the moment and to stop feeling overly anxious about a given situation.
“Smiles, Hugs, Affection, Connection”. Atiya M
These are things that most of us positively respond to and is a wonderful part of the OA program, family and recovery.
“The antidote to shame is sharing”. Atiya M
“I recover out loud. I always pray before I eat. I respect my mealtime. I don’t eat when I’m emotionally triggered (call someone, pray…). If I call my sponsor or another OA person and they don’t answer, the power is in me making the call and leaving the message”. Atiya M
“I am a slow learner but a quick forgetter. I need to take time each day with my HP”. Jan D
“You can make a choice but you have to understand there are consequences (positive and negative) – depending on the choice you make. I did experience discomfort this weekend but I did not die”. Colleen
“What is something you do each day to take a spiritual pause? Where is your challenge at right now within each day? How can we tie our spiritual pause to our challenges? For example: You can write “Thy Will Be Done” on a sticky note and place that note wherever you are running into the challenge (fridge, pantry, mirror, etc). This is a powerful reminder of “Your Work; Your Will; Your Way”. Atiya M
“TWBD (Thy Will Be Done). Keep this reminder (TWBD) posted where it’s a visible reminder”. Melanie
“I’m normally a talker but at this retreat I came to listen. I was open this weekend to listen and learn. You don’t know what HP has in store for you. Listen”! How can I have a friend if I don’t have a friendship (love/trust) with HP and myself”. Brenda
This was related to the Saturday afternoon workshop/exercise (Surrender and Trust; Order of Step 5): HP/Self/Another Person. First we have to learn to trust our HP, then ourselves, before we can put our trust in another OA person/friend.
“The decompression exercise at the end of the retreat where we closed our eyes, crossed our arms over our hearts and had another person lead us through the ‘Soul Train’ lines was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had. Once Colleen did it first and I realized what it entailed, I became emotional and whispered to Jan D (my sponsor of 9 years) that I couldn’t do this and wanted to leave the room. I started crying. I was scared of showing emotion in front of others. She told me it was OK and that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. She suggested if I was going to do it, perhaps I should do it sooner rather than later as I was obviously riddled with anxiety and fear. Jan helped me feel safe and thank my HP (whom I call God) that I took this step. I was so touched at my core and even though I felt extremely vulnerable (which I HATE) and I try to never cry in front of people – I remembered Jamie’s “Stop, Drop and Roll” and participated. To hear all those precious women whisper beautiful affirmations of kindness, understand and love in my ears as I was guided down the line was so moving and powerful. I couldn’t stop crying but that was a good thing. I believe in that moment my HP was with me and I was showing the room my true, authentic self”. Kathy B
Thanks for taking such great notes Kathy!
May 13, 2019
I hope everyone had a Happy Mother’s Day. I’m still adding things in that were emailed and given to me at the wonderful, awesome, retreat. I still have more! Thanks for all who submitted these pearls of wisdom!
A submission:
Why Go to an OA Retreat?
- To hear strong recovery from long timers
- To see smiling faces and get lots of hugs
- To realize that I am alone in this
- To hear how others are working the program (or not)
- To have a peaceful, serene weekend at a beautiful place where meals are prepared abstinently
- To experience recovery ONE DAY AT A TIME!
See you at the next retreat!
An OA’er mentioned the dance party!
From Jamie C:
STOP: When uncertain
DROP: Surrender, Pause
ROLL: Roll with it
She also mentioned submitting to the blog.
From Gina C.
I use the Spiritual Principals as a power greater than me to restore me to sanity in the second step.
May 8, 2019
Oh Yeah! The blog is back! I had a great retreat and listened to an awesome speaker who had a unique approach to her program and enlisted in lots of ladies to help bring back the blog. I want to make sure that something is always on here but I need lots of help. I gave out my email address out at the retreat and I should also say put OA BLOG in the subject. I got several emails and cards in my lovely basket.
If you’ve never been to the OA retreat it is a wonderful location at the Jesuit Spirituality Center in Grand Coteau, Louisiana which is near Lafayette. The location is peaceful and surrounded by greenery. One nice lady sent me a picture and I know my twin takes pics every time we go so perhaps I can persuade her to post some pics on the blog.
I also apologize for the delay in getting this out but the next weekend after I returned from the retreat I was out of town watching my little brother get married!
Some comments I got:
Anonymous-
“This is my second time at our OA retreat and I’m glad I came. I encourage everyone to make one OA retreat. It will really enhance your recovery!”
Anonymous-
“Important take always from the retreat 1) Abstinence is when I’m surrendered my food. Recovery is when I work the steps. 2) Pause and be mindful! 3) Practice stillness. 4) There is always enough time to do God’s will. 5) I cannot recover in isolation. 6) If I don’t know what to do, I can work on my relationship with my Higher Power. 7) Am I kind and loving toward all including myself? 8) Unconscious eating is an expression of my lack of conscious contact with God.
I have more to come including my move it music playlists and other music lists I have.
Anne B.
